Screwed Without Screws

Today was the day... It was the day we were finally going to IKEA for the first time.  We'd just had lunch at McAlister's Deli (if you have not gone there yet, GO!) and decided to go to IKEA to find black out curtains for our bedrooms*.  I was excited beyond measure and ready to get my shopping on.

As we pulled up to the IKEA store, I couldn't believe my eyes.  That place is HUGE!!!  I've seen airports smaller than that place.  When we walked into the store, there were smells of cinnamon and other yummy things.  There were mini rooms all set up... and it felt like I could just live in that room right there.  Also, I wondered if this was how goldfish felt.  Were they fine with everyone watching them because their tank was so amazingly decorated and comfy?  The world may never know.  However, I do know (from personal experience) that the workers at IKEA will frown at you scoldingly** if you lay on the couch/bed or if you pretend to turn the fake appliances up louder.  They are extremely helpful and nice, so it evens out... slightly.

So, anyways... Curtains.  We walked through half of the upstairs of the store, blindly following arrows while I was pointing at all the things I must eventually buy, when we were told that the curtains were downstairs and past the bedding.  About thirty minutes later, we made it past all of the upstairs arrows, down the escalator, and half way through the downstairs showroom to the curtains.  By that time, due to rude shoppers and the inability to go back to look at the things I missed because the arrows forbade it, I was completely stressed and getting a little crazed.  Also, I had to pee.  Badly.

We finally found the curtains that we were looking for.  At least we thought they were the curtains we were looking for. (I bet, if I were less tired, I could totally put in a Star Wars reference right here.)  The curtains only come in two sizes: really long and ever so much longer.  The man I found first told me that we could hem them with some tape.  I was all for that, since I'm a menace with a sewing needle.  I also got extra hemming sticky stuff for my pants (I'm super short).  The woman I found next told me that the size was for only one of the panels, so the curtains would definitely cover our windows.  The third person I found told me where the bathrooms were. Ok, the third person I found was my husband... but I love him even more than I did before we went to IKEA because he'd found a bathroom for me.

Rods, hooks for the rods to be held to the wall, and the knobs that go on each end of the curtain rods were all sold separately.  Of course, it takes the kids and I about twenty minutes to decide exactly which knobs we wanted.  By the end of that time, I had tons of inappropriate jokes running through my mind... which I could not share because the kids were right there.  Darn it, Kids!!!

Now that we had what we wanted, it was time to walk through the rest of the downstairs of the store to get to the registers.  On the way, I found a chopping board of wood and two of plastic that I just HAD to have.  So, we got those too. See?

We got to the register and paid ($250!) for what we had in the cart... and 59 cents for the bag to carry it in. Yes, people, you have to buy the bag you check out with***.  I'm going to use the crap out of that bag.  Everywhere I go, that bag will be used for something.  I'm getting my 59 cents worth out of that bag.

All things considered, I very much want to go back to IKEA again... without the kids and during the middle of a work day so there aren't as many other people around.

We got home, got comfortable, and got ready to hang our curtains.  To hang the curtains, as you know, we must hang the rods first.  After opening all the pieces we bought for hanging the rod, we disbelievingly stared at the contents of all the packages.  There were NO screws.  Well, technically, there weren't any screws... but saying it the other way shows my righteous indignation at the discovery.

So, after all the crowds, arrow following, pee holding, maze walking, awesome escalator riding****, and money spent... we were screwed.  And, ironically, we were screwed because we had no screws.  Take that, Alanis!


*Black out curtains are necessary because the kids wake up at dawn's crack. (Yes, I know it's really "the crack of dawn", but I like saying it this way better.  It has more of a flare to it, doesn't it?)  Since I don't do crack (the drug or the waking up at it), we trick the kids into sleeping later with these curtains.

**Don't pick on my words.  The fact that it's a real word doesn't go away just because Webster forgot to write it in his little book.  After all, they are starting to add texting terms into that book.

***Being cheap, I'd started tucking in my shirt and ordering the rest of my family to do the same.  I did not want to buy that bag on principle.  We were going to do this pumpkin patch style- all you can carry in your shirts, pockets, hands, and on your heads.  My family was not going for it.  We ended up buying the bag.

****The escalators were almost the best part of the whole trip.  On the way out, there's an escalator to take with your shopping cart.  When you're on the escalator, you can LET GO of your cart and it will stay there!  There are little grippers on the sides of the wheels.  So freaking cool.  I wanted to go on again, but after seeing the looks I was getting from the men folk of my family, I silently made a pact with myself to come back and ride it a bunch of times in the near future.

DISCLAIMER: Due to being exhausted and the fact that there's a Denver Broncos game on, I've decided that (for this post) I was going to say "screw you" to grammar.  I apologize to my cringing grammar fanatic friends out there.  You know who you are.

NOTE TO THE DENVER BRONCOS: Not that I think any of you are reading this, though it would be way awesome if you were, stop sucking tonight. Many of you are on my FFB team.  Get it together.  That is all.